


Scared

by orphan_account



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Backstory, Domestic, F/M, Family, Pre-Canon, Pregnancy, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 05:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elliot's the man, so he's got to take on the fear for both of them.  But it doesn't really work that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scared

**Author's Note:**

> The "Original Female Character" is Kathy's mom.

He knows he has to be strong, be the man that she deserves.  He's a Marine, although not on active duty, once a Marine always a Marine, putting the _semper_ in _semper fi_.  And the always in his marriage vows.  He made promises to her, out loud in front of God and the congregation, in the quiet of beds before and after the actual ceremony, using words meant for her and God alone.   And he's made promises to himself, and to their future children (he's hoping for three), and God's heard those promises, too.  He doesn't need Jesus bleeding on his arm to remind him of his duties, but it helps.  He helps.

But, late at night, exhausted from work, from night school, Elliot Stabler is shit-scared.  He tries to take all the fear on himself, tries to take it away from Kathy, but the hell of it is, will probably always be, that fear is the one thing they've got plenty of.  

Sometimes it's in both their eyes as they grab a quick bite together: mac-n-cheese with hotdogs sliced in and broccoli on the side if Kathy's mom dropped by with some "extra" groceries.  He tried to protest that once, and his mother-in-law just gave him a familiar look and said, "We're all in this together, El.  You know you'll be doing the same for me one day."

That set him straight, the reminder that while Kathy is his first family, his closest family, and he's hers, together they have a bigger family.  But that doesn't keep all the fear at bay, when they're sitting there, eating their hurried dinner, smiling gamely at one another.  Their eyes betray their fear even as their words are nothing but optimism.  Elliot grimly wonders if this is how those people in that _Twilight Zone_ episode felt, the ones who had the little kid who'd wish them out of existence if they didn't smile and pretend to be happy all the time.

He appreciates that episode a lot more now that there's a little blend of his and Kathy's genes on the way.  The kid isn't even born yet and he or she is already controlling them.  And the control feels like fear: fear that he'll fail Kathy and their child in any one of a thousand ways.  Not make detective, not be able to support them, not be able to keep the darkness at bay, not be able to keep the baby from sharp objects or hot surfaces or any one of a thousand hazards he sees and hears about, stories about devoted, caring parents who just turned away for a second, just allowed themselves a quick catnap and their child was hurt, a little or a lot.

And he'd wanted this times three?  He'll be relieved if he can just get this one safely to adulthood.

That's assuming that Elliot can keep his own darker nature in check, not bring the violence in the streets or the anger that he can sometimes barely contain into his home, his and Kathy's.  The fear is strong that he'll accidentally fuck up, stronger still that he'll do something irretrievable in a moment of rage.  He hits the heavy bag a lot, and even gives the speed bag a workout, because sometimes the solid thump of the big bag is great, the best, but other times the quick, short jabs, one-two-three-four-five-six, left-right-left-right-left-right, dishing out the blows faster than he can count out loud, faster than he can even really think about it…sometimes that's the outlet he needs before he goes home and stares into the future, trying to take on all their fears by himself even though Kathy would never let him do that even if he could.

And then perfect, beautiful Maureen is born.  He and Kathy look at each other in wonder.  "We did it, El," Kathy says, voice awed.  "We made her."

"And in her I am well pleased," he tells Kathy, then kisses her quickly and whispers "and in her mom," like it's some kind of big secret, so she giggles and they go back to counting Maureen's fingers and toes and wonder and hope replaces scared and he gets it, he gets why people do this, generation after generation, this wonderful, terrifying thing.  And it's huge, this responsibility, and they'd be crazy or worse if they weren't scared, but they'd be even more crazy or even worse if they'd let the fear override them and Maureen had never been born.  And suddenly three doesn't seem to be such a huge number after all.


End file.
